Wednesday, February 23, 2011

A College Paper About Cats Gone Wrong (For Great Justice)

So get this.

A friend asked me to write her college paper for her. I think I was drunk at the time, thus I agreed. Of course my judgment was impaired! Who the hell does someone else's school work for them? This is not a noble pursuit, my fellow Vikings.

What a lazy twat, I later thought. I'll show her.

I wrote the first half like a normal paper should be. Then, about half-way through, I got high. Ripped, even. I continued writing. Gleefully, I wrote ridiculous prose in the hopes that the professor would give her a bad grade and she would be forced to read it with the professor and have it revealed that the work was not her own.

Yes, my plan was flawless, because yes, if she was lazy enough to get others to do her homework, she would be lazy enough to not even read the paper before turning it in. (And if she were to read it, oh well; what a good practical joke.)

The paper is copied below; and the latter, inspired half of the paper is highlighted for you. You might not believe me when I tell you the grade she got for the paper, but I'll list the paper's grade at the end of this post.

The History of the Domesticated Feline
In the book Classical Cats, Donald Engels explores historical details about the cat. He answers questions about how, when, and why the cat became a domestic companion. Reading it, you will learn interesting things, such as the fact that it wasn’t only the Egyptians that really liked cats: the Romans, Greeks, and the rest of Europe took to the cat as well.
            The chapter I will focus on will be the introduction.
            According to Engels, man and cat have shared a relationship for the last 4,000 years. Interestingly, he explains that cats have been an important friend and ally because of what they provide: the extermination of rodents, which has protected man from diseases. This was especially important before the advent of modern medicine. Statistically, cats living on their own kill about 1,100 rodents a year, although a sheltered and cared for cat kills about only 14 per year.
            Cats also were important religious symbols in Europe. Their image was used for the goddesses Artemis of the Greeks, Diana of the Romans, and the Greco-Egyptian goddess Isis.
            Being that Egypt and Africa was apparently the cat’s homeland, the cat underwent some changes and adaptations as it learned to thrive in Europe. Mainly, though, cats just maintained selective pressure on hunting traits, honing them into efficient hunters. Aside from that, the coat of fur cats have has been helpful. Selective pressure in certain environments for certain kinds of coats ensured cats in particular areas had the right coloration to help them blend in with their surroundings. For example, cats in northern climates have soft colors and grayish markings to help “match the background during all four seasons, particularly in winter.”
            You can learn many interesting things about cats in this book. But among the traits cats have for hunting, there is stealth. Cats frequently groom themselves to remove most of their personal odor so they can be undetected by smell. They also step very quietly and are able to sneak upon their prey. Additionally, cats have powerful senses. Their night vision is six times better than ours. They also have at least 7 senses as opposed to our 5. The sixth sense is an organ that detects certain chemicals in the environment. And the seventh is their homing instinct that can help them travel long distances back to home. Cats can also predict weather, and when one rubs its ear that means it is detecting changes in humidity and barometric pressure. Some have even noticed cats change their behavior before someone dies, thus predicting their death.
            Cats are also very fertile. Females can bear offspring after only 5 months from birth. A pair of cats can potentially breed up to 354,294 cats in five years.
            Cats have led lives in barns, villages, and ships, feeding off the rodents that typically infest human settlements.
            Based on the amount of food in human settlements that rats typically spoil, if a cat kills about 500 rats per year, he can keep from spoiling about 250 tons of human food supplies per year.
            The introduction concludes with pretty much just that information. I have some opinions regarding the subject, however.
            Cats. Cats are cool. They purr when you pet them. They are soft and cuddly. They kill creatures that we humans hate. Cats even kill bugs. I have seen my pet cats kill lots of bugs. I like that a lot, because I hate bugs.
            I know from personal witness what fierce hunters cats can be. One day I saw one of my cats race up a tree. Curiously, I watched as the cat soon came back down the tree with a squirrel in its mouth. I was impressed, as squirrels can be big rodents.
            Even more exciting than that, in the front yard one day I watched a vulture land in the front yard to eat a groundhog carcass I had shot the day before but was too lazy to bury it. When it did that, one of the cats that was resting on the front porch got up, and with as much intimidation as it could muster, it went over to that big bird with its back arched and fur puffed out. When it got closer, the cat charged the vulture! Believe it or not, that crazy cat scared that huge bird away.
            People love cats. Go on youtube and look up cats. There are tons of videos that celebrate our love for cats. Cats are cool. They come in many sizes, personalities, and flavors. Some are tastier than others, but they can be good eating.
            I have heard crazy stories about people doing even weirder things than that with cats, though. Some people coat their genitals with butter so their cat will lick them. This is bestiality, however, and a sin.
            I have also heard something else about cats that is a little bizarre. Apparently, some cats carry a certain parasite, and if passed on to a human, that human can actually have its behavior altered because of it. Maybe this is why some people have lots of cats and go a little crazy. We’ve all heard of the “crazy cat lady who lives down the street.” This is all part of the cats’ genius plan to one day take over the world and enslave humankind. First they earn our trust with their wonderful rodent-hunting abilities, and now that many homes have at least one cat, they are starting to employ their secret psychic mind-control abilities on us so they can take over. I’m okay with that, though. As much as they sleep, what harm could they do. They’ll probably let us take lots of naps at work. I for one welcome our new feline overlords.

Grade: B

School: Liberty University 

(Despite my flawless plan, I hadn't figured that the professor would actually like my silly essay well enough to give it a B.)


  1. All your base are belong to us!

  2. Fucking. Brilliant.